Real Men Don't

There are some things the government ought not to do.

Plucking a dumb old country boy, like me, out of Georgia and turning him loose on the unsuspecting populous of Asia, is one of them. However, they never learned and did it for years. I know that you know real men love Jesus and don’t hit women, but here’s a couple facts you might not know.

Growing up in Milledgeville I never rode in a cab. Real men can get a ride, ride a bike or walk wherever they need to go. It just wasn’t done; in addition, the smell gags you and will kill livestock if you let the windows down.

Pay close attention here, real men don’t use umbrellas. A little rain never hurt any real man I’ve ever known. Besides you look like a girl with one in your hands. I don’t mind looking like a girl, mind you, but I sure hate being the ugliest girl you ever saw.

I spent a couple years overseas and learned that riding in a cab, while often dangerous, is necessary. I’ve cowered in cabs all over the world; my only defense was drinking heavily. For example, you’ll never get in a cab in Korea, flip the guy a buck and say hurry. You’ll more likely flip him a buck and beg him to slow down, pay attention to where he’s going or obey at least one road sign.

Road signs and laws are not enforced over there. Signs, lines on the road and stoplights are merely suggestions. You should stop here, you should take this dangerous mountain curve at 35 and three cars will not fit between the yellow and white lines. If you’ve never ridden in a cab in a foreign country, well you just ain’t lived and I’m not sure you have as close a relationship with God as you think you do. I’ve rode in Jeepneys in the Philippines that should have held 10 people but were packed with 25. Oh yeah, and in most countries whoever blows the horn first isn’t at fault in the wreck. Cars run the streets, wide open with horns blaring and smoke belching from their tailpipes.

I’ll never forget the only umbrella I ever bought. We pulled into Singapore and docked next to the biggest mall I’d ever seen. Once we were free to leave the ship, we had to go through the mall to get to the street and the cabs that would take us to the beer, our only goal. It was the middle of the Monsoon season. The Monsoon season alternates between raining so hard you can’t see to drive and actually raining so hard you can’t see your hand in front of your face. I doubt seriously that any of you have ever been in rain you can’t walk in.

About 30 of us stopped in a store and this is where we discovered those little telescoping umbrellas. We all had to have one and as they were only a buck, I bought my first umbrella. The others un-strapped theirs and started popping them open in the mall. Not me, that was bad luck. See, even dumb old country boys know a thing or two.

We exited the building and stood under an awning looking across about 15 feet to where the cabs sat waiting. It was raining so hard that we could barely see them.

In a perfect world 30 sailors in dress whites would have mashed their little buttons and their umbrellas would have popped out in unison. All black umbrellas and all of us in dress whites, great picture right? The problem is I’ve never lived in a perfect world. I had not un-strapped mine as the others had, so when we pushed our buttons  the other 29 made that cute little popping sound. When mine reached the end of the little chrome bar it kept going. We stood there and watched it arc out over two rows of cabs into traffic and smack the windshield of a car. Fifteen cars piled up not 20 feet in front of us. You’ve never seen so many sailors scramble into cabs so fast in your life — umbrellas were being dropped, broken and abandoned in the process. Every cab that would run involved in the wreck or not, scrambled out into traffic horns blowing frantically.

All that was left of my umbrella was the handle I still clutched. I stuffed it under the backseat. It made the front page the next day. Unidentified sailor causes 15-car pile up in front of mall. Crap, I’m glad they never figured out it was me. I was to find out later that they would cane you for about anything in Singapore. I’m glad I didn’t get caned for buying a defective umbrella. I never bought another.